You know, I was watching the original cartoon Charlotte's Web, and I noticed something at the beginning. Wilbur says his first word and then sings a song called "I can talk", full of the most insane adjectives, nouns, and verbs that even I, a senior in high school, watching a movie geared at little ones, don't understand. I felt kinda bad for E.B White, having just read the Annotated Charlotte's Web, and learning that White edited Wilbur's dialouge a LOT because only Charlotte was allowed to use big words and complicated prose.

Then I thought, dude, I wonder what he really is saying. And decided to dictionary.com everything and put the song the way the dictionary says it would go. I was surprised by some of it...

This is the original, with lengthy repetition of the chorus deleted; and I'll bet you don't know at least three of these words:

"I can talk!
I can talk!
I can actually, factually talk!

Isn't it great
That I articulate?
Isn't it grand
That you can understand?

I pop with perspicacity
I'm loaded with loquacity
My vocalized veracity is tops
Semantically each bit of me's
The verbalized epitome
My plethory of patter never stops!

It's wonderous and mystical
I'm hardly egotistical
Because of this linguistical aplomb
But speaking quite pragmatically
My self-esteem emphatically
Dramatically improved since I was dumb!"

And I love how after this song... near the end of the movie, this piece of dialouge goes on:

Charlotte: Of course I can lay eggs. I'm versitle.
Wilbur: What does versitile mean? Full of eggs?

Good job on the consitancy of Wilbur's verbal skills there, you guys...

So without further ado, the literal version of I Can Talk: (prepare to hold in boughts of laughter; I almost died at some of em; they don't fit at all.)

"I can talk!
I can talk!
I can actually, for reals, talk!

Isn't it great
That I utter clearly in distinct syllables?
Isn't it grand
That you can understand?

I pop with astute intelligence
I'm loaded with the state of being talkative
My outspoken conformity to truth is tops
In every sense of the word each bit of me's
The spoken representative or perfect example of a class or type
My not featured in the dictionary of repetitive tapping never stops!

It's wonderous and unearthly,
I'm hardly a big self-serving jerk,
Because of this language-related possesion
But speaking quite practically
My self-esteem with emphasis
Insanely improved since I was dumb!"

Someone was having fun with their new dictionary at Paramount apparently. Some of these don't even fit, dude... One word isn't even in the frikken dictionary. I wish my kid's first words would be that astute... And all the while I'm sure Charlotte is sitting on her web going "....WTF?"

Yes, I have too much time on my hands.

-Chi <3