Okay, this site here is brilliant: http://www.bspcn.com/2007/07/26/the-top-ten-lies-blockbuster-video-tells-their-customers/

I was reading it last night (my last night at Blockbuster, woohoo!!) and it was the most hilarious thing I'd ever read. So much of this is so bloody true. It's great to know that the way behind-the-scenes Blockbuster works is universal, and I'm not alone. So I decided to make a little list of my own, since I don't work there now and I can laugh at this isntead of puking at the thought of doing it all tomorrow.

Top Ten Ways You, as a Blockbuster Customer, Make My Life Hard

1 - You give me fake coupons.

Listen people, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Let's think for a second... Your first hint? Why would I give you a free tub of popcorn, two 20 ounce cokes, and two free movies? That's almost $30 worth of crap. Secondly, fine print is your best friend. The coupon says "not good for games, gaming equipment, or defensive driving course". Well that makes sense, our slogan has always been, after all, "Make it a Blockbuster night, and learn to reduce the risk of driving by proactively avoiding dangerous situations on the road". I seriously got three of these at work yesterday: http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/nothing/blockbuster.asp No sir, I won't credit thirty dollars of crap onto your account because you fell for an online scam. Unfortunately, "retardedness" is not an option on the credit list.

2 - You ask me questions at the worst time possible

If I'm standing at the counter alphabetizing movies to put back on the wall, by all means, come talk to me. If I'm checking in movies, go right ahead. If I'm taking movies out of the box, heck, if I have a huge stack of movies in my hand while restocking, talk to me. For the love of god, please leave me alone when I'm obviously helping another customer, am walking very quickly across the store, am working the register, or have my raincoat on and my purse in my hand. Okay, why are you bugging me when I'm at the register? Here I am, a huge line at my station, trying to make change, and you're calling out to me from the side of the counter asking me to show you where the blu-ray section is? And what makes you think I'm still clocked in when I'm headed for the door in my coat with a purse over my arm? I get the feeling that if I were on the ground being stabbed to death by Lindsay Lohan, people would still be asking me to check the box for a copy of 300.

3 - You ask me if certain movies were "good"

No sir, I haven't seen Hostel, The Hills Have Eyes, or Premonition. Quite clearly I am the youngest employee working at Blockbuster. I'm 18 but people reel back in shock when I say this, so I probably look even younger than that. There are several 20-40 year old employees walking around who have no hopes and dreams outside of this store that can tell you all about it. Thank you though, for asking when Meet the Robinsons comes out, and looking at me like I'm a freak when I immediately answer "October 23rd". If it were up to me, I would say "No, I haven't seen Hostel. But I wouldn't reccomend it. I WOULD reccomend you put that movie back and pick something up that doesn't make me think you're a sick human being". I also don't really care how good or bad a movie was. Sometimes I may tell you a movie is good because I just know you will flip out if I say I haven't seen it. In fact, I would probably never tell you a movie is bad because I work for a corporation that demands I not care about my customers and make lots of money. If I'm running the counter alone that day I might tell you the movie sucked, but don't count on it if my manager's there. P.S. I shouldn't have to tell you that Pan's Labyrinth is subtitled, or that blu-ray discs only play on blu-ray players. Stop getting mad at me for telling you this; if I wanted to be really mean, I'd let you try and play that blu-ray on a DVD player and let you learn your lesson on your own.

4 - You expect me to do something magical when your movie is not in stock

Okay, to start, it's not my fault that the movie doesn't come out until Tuesday. You're the idiot who drove up here looking for it before you even knew if it was out yet or not. Secondly, I do not produce copies of your rented-out movie out of my nose, ears, or other parts of the body. Please stop staring at me when I say "we're all checked out" or getting angry with me, throwing up your hands, and yelling "FIGURES!!" as though I am going to go "just kidding!!" and pull out a magical cart full of the movie you want. Again, if it were up to me, I'd love to steal your copy of Disturbia for myself. But movies have to be 21 days old before I can get them for free. So I am not hiding and hoarding several copies of your movie behind the counter. Go away.

5 - You want me to call other stores

Here's a question: why didn't you sit at home and call US to see if we had your movie if you want it so bad? Then you could have called the OTHER location instead of interupting me on a busy Friday night to do it for you. For the record, the stores I'm calling don't like it either. I also don't serve as a walking mapquest, so no, I won't tell you the fastest way to get to that store.

6 - You don't get the concept of closing time

You can't call in five minutes before closing and expect me to hold a movie for you in hopes you'll get there in time. When I start vaccuuming, it's a cue for you to hurry the hell up and get out of my store. And for the love of god, when the doors are locked, stop yelling into the drop box "are you open?" or "open the door!" This seriously weakens my faith in humanity, don't do it.

7 - You're pissed because "the end of late fees" doesn't mean you get to steal movies

If I didn't charge a $1.25 restocking fee, (a good SEVEN DAYS after your seven day due date) you would keep the damn thing forever. Same goes for charging the video to your accont after THIRTY days. Regardless, I don't make the rules, I'm just the lucky gal who gets to tell you your account is blocked because you have accumulated a $250 charge on your account. Keep in mind that people go nuts over a little $1.25 restocking charge on their account. When I tell them they have $250, they flip out. "WHAT??!? I WON'T PAY IT!!" Well sorry gomer, the movies belong to you now because you kept them for a whole bloody month. I won't make an exception for you and take them back. In fact, the computer won't even let me check in the movies after thirty days. It says "member owned, process to inventory" and you still have $250 on your account. No, this is not my fault, and no, this is not stupid. This is SPARTAAAA!! Uh... I mean, this is what stops you from stealing movies. Now shut up and pay for it. By the way, I'm not really sorry for the inconvenience. I'm actually falling on the floor with laughter in my mind at watching you squirm because you thought you could cheat the system. P.S. When I call you and say you returned a movie without the DVD in the case, please stop saying "What? I don't understand". I can't put it anymore clearly than that, my friend.

8 - You can't go find the movie yourself

I'm cool if you looked for a movie and can't find it, and want to know if we have it. If the first thing you do is come up to the counter and ask me to find a movie for you, you're officially annoying. We have this strange system, you see. Everything is in loose alphabetical order, and sorted into categories such as comedy, drama, new releases, etc. Zodiac is in the Z sectin of new releases. Click is in the c section of comedy. Bambi is in the B section of kids. I know it's a weird concept, but I know you can get the hang of it. The store is also the size of my living room, so it would take you three seconds to find the action section on your own. Seriously, if you just tried, you wouldn't have to go "Oh, it was right in front of my face, tee hee!" when I take you there myself.

9 - You bring up the display case

Oh for the love of god I hate this one. Please stop bringing up the game case, there are white cases behind it that say "BRING THIS CASE TO THE FRONT" for a reason, and the display case does not serve as the last copy of that game if there are none. And please be smart and realize that all movies have barcodes, locks, are heavier, and have a different casing than the display cases. One of these things is not like the other, people. And no, it's not my fault that you did this, that there's not another copy left, or that I have a long line and won't go look for the actual movie for you. Just use your brain. Sorry Mario, your princess is in another castle, go try again.

10 - You won't give me your Blockbuster card

I hate having to ask you for your card. It's like asking a retarded monkey to do advanced physics. Stop acting surprised that I asked for it; logic dictates that if you're renting from BLOCKBUSTER you probably need your BLOCKBUSTER card. Have it out instead of clogging up my line by spending 10 minutes searching for it and trying to get it out of your wallet. Stop acting like a stupid know it all by walking up to the counter and instantly rattling off your address or phone number. It will all be in vain because I can only look it up by your last name. When I ask for your last name, speak the hell up. Your mumbling will always turn Lovett into Muppet, Downey into Dowres, and Gomez into Homer. I only have so many fingers to type with, so stop spelling your 16-letter name in two seconds. Stop saying "no one's ever asked me for my card before". You're either a straight out liar, left you name on your online envelopes, or the cashier knows you. If you hand me your movies with your card on top of them, I love you. P.S. DON'T hand me your credit card. Does it look like I have credit card equipment back here? In fact, there are THREE places to swipe your credit card right in front of you. And stop saying "$5.25? No, amount NOT okay! Haha!" Seriously, it's not even midly amusing.

-Chi <3